God, Hexia and the Cheesemonkey Master

There are 900,000,000 dimensions in our universe. Dimension 489,000,393 is called Hexia. In Hexia, there is a planet (whose name is not important). This planet is very much like planet earth, which exists in dimension 3, except for some obvious differences.

The clouds of this planet are purple against a green sky. The vegetation is red, while the rain is composed of lickable orange toads. The ocean of this Hexian planet, Valair, is milky white, yet as translucent as the sea on earth.

The most highly advanced civilization was a species of fish that resided in a series of beautiful kingdoms on the bottom of Valair. These fishkingdoms were comprised of different tribes. Fish from many different creeds, races and ethnicities comprised the tribes.

But there was no war amongst the tribes of the Valarian fish. In fact, there was rarely any homicide among them.

How did they accomplish this peace? Well, you see, the answer lies not in the fish's biology, but in their sociology. The Valarian fish did not have any concept of society, so thus no social prejudices against each other. Because there was no society, the fish rejected all morals, mores and taboos, except one: they valued life above all things.

The fish are the Jedi Knights of all 900,000,000 dimensions. They do not let emotion and impulse overcome them, even in times of great need. How do they do this? The fish can go to their mentors, which are plentiful due to the fact that the fish do not hesitate to discuss their troubles and listen to others'. Their greatest mentor was their God, Hexia.

Here's how the God thing works. Each of the 900,000,000 dimensions are ruled by a God. This God is an ultramegasuperbeings of the superiore Cheesemonkey Universe. The leader of the Cheesemonkey Universe is The Cheesemonkey Master (aka Norbert, {Norbie for short}).

In the Cheesemonkey Universe, the God job at God.Com is arguably the best profession. But with any great profession, it comes with a lot of time commitments because you have to, or at least supposed to, be attentive to the needs all of the beings in your dimension (and that doesn't mean popping them full of happy pills).

Time in the Cheesemonkey Universe is the same as time in all the rest of the dimensions (it just worked so well). The God job was a sixteen hour day commitment. The remaining eight hours are for the Gods have a break, which is when they sent everyone to sleep at the same time, (even though we all think that we're sleeping at different times due to time zone differences).

But out of all the 900,000,000 Gods, Hexia is definitely one of the best. She cares for all the beings on her dimension, including her Valarian fish, rewarding them plentifully while responding to their cries for help. She has had the job for five thousand years, a rookie among Gods. But in those five thousand years, she has shown more progress on the job than some of the oldest. The Cheesemonkey Master/Norbie is very proud of her.

One day, to reward her fish for being really amazing beings, Hexia decided to take them to the third dimension, specifically planet Earth, for a visit. Hexia thought that by comparing themselves to the people, the fish would realize that they were far better. She hoped that this would make them feel good about themselves, like a bulimic girl who just fit into a size zero.

The way to get into one dimension from another is to temporarily inhabit or possess a person living in that dimension, as Hexia and the fish possessed the bodies of 9089 x 3909039039900890890809090909090909 earth people. After a day as earthlings, the fish did realize how screwed up earth people were, but they did not get so excited that they forgot to vomit after their next meal.

Instead, the fish took a more proactive stance. They had a congressional meeting, which included Hexia and all the Kings/Queens of the Valarian tribes.

"Hello Hexia," they greeted her in unison upon her arrival.

"Hello ( insert names of 16 different Kings/Queens here)," she greeted. "What is the matter which you intend to address to me today?"

"Well," said Rendolph, King of the Kzyoluonj, "We've been thinking a lot about the people of earth–how desolate and depressing they are."

Hexia let out a small smile and then caught herself.

"Have you?" she asked.

"Yes," he said.

He looked over at another fish who was seated across the table.

"Shelou, would you like to go on?" Rendolph asked politely.

"Yes Rendolph, thank you," Shelou, Queen of Ogietien, said. "We have decided, Hexia, that we would love to help the people of earth."

She politely passed her speaking power to Eliek, King of Baladino.

"We can show them a better way to live that would enable them to improve their lives."

"Well," Hexia said, taken aback. "Thank you all for the splendid idea."

She wanted to kick herself in the teeth for ever bringing them down there.

"But God is the God of Earth," she went on, "and I would have to get Norbert's permission if we're to go on missions. We can not possess those who we are trying to help."

"Please Hexia, talk to Norbert" they pleaded. "How long has God been the god of earth anyway?"

Right then, Hexia had a vision of her and God, on earth, whacked on crack and having sex, anally.

Earth always did seem to bring out the crazy-waves in her.

"Oh" she said, broken from her trance. "I am not sure. But I will be sure to speak to Norbert about it. Thank you (insert name of 16 Kings/Queens here) for bringing this issue to my attention."

SSS

The Cheesemonkey Master house is connected to God.Com. It is a beautiful building that can best be described as the antithesis of the White House (without being black, because the ultramegasuperbeings are just THAT good). Hexia has been invited to it many times on her breaks, while some of even the oldest Gods have only seen it from the outside.

She knocked on The Cheesemonkey Master's office door.

"Who is it?" he barked, suspiciously.

"It's Hexia, Norbert" said Hexia confidently. "And how are you today?"

She felt the lock click and the door opened to reveal the ultramegasuperbeing, Norbie, who was balding.

"Fine, Hexia" he said with a smile. "And how are you?

She entered the superfly superfine room and sat on a chair that looked like a spoon.

"Great" Hexia said enthusiastically.

"How are your fish?" he asked.

"They're doing splendidly" she answered with a smile. "But actually, Norbert, as of late, they have brought an issue to my attention that I would like to address to you, if I may."

"Go ahead" said Norbie.

"Well you see, Nobert" Hexia began, "I recently brought my fish on an outing to earth to see the people, and it has made them quite troubled."

"Really?" Norbie said, in a tone of genuine concern, "Why?"

"Well the people on earth are suffering," said Hexia bluntly. "And they want to help them."

Norbie just kinda looked around and touched one of his many bald spots.

"I am asking for your permission for us to take missions transdimension" Hexia said.

Norbert started to look a little frustrated.

"We tried to help the people of earth sixty years ago," he said. "And all they got was acid!"

Right then, Hexia had a vision of herself on earth, possessing the body of the vivacious Vivian LaPerme, tripping on acid.

Damned Earth, she thought. But her second thought was her fish.

"Well isn't there something you can do?"

"Hexia, God is the God of Dimension 3," Norbie retorted, "therefore, he is the God of Earth."

"Are you saying that his power is absolute?" she said (no pun intended). "You're his boss for God sakes! The least you could do is drop in on him!"

When she said "god sakes" Norbie twitched three times as if he was spazzing out.

"Hexia, don't say that!" he said. "You know about my condition!"

"I'm sorry, Norbie" said Hexia, "but I needed to think of my fish above all. Help me, Norbie, so I can help them by helping the people of earth."

She had to think this over in her head to make sure that she had said it correctly.

Silence. Norbie was tapping his bald spot again. Her eyes narrowed.

"How long has God had the position anyway?"

After a quick temple massage, Norbie replied.

"Alright, alright" Norbert relented. "I'll propose the idea to God, but I'm not promising anything. He does have the power to refuse transdimensional help. It's in the employee handbook thanks to my good-for-nothing predecessor.".

His expression became hopeful.

"Maybe he'll at least give me back the acid,"

Right then Hexia had another flashback as Vivian LaPerme on earth. In this one, she had done a cocktail of heroin, coke, opium meth, shrooms and percocet that left Ms. LaPerme odd in the emergency room while she rushed to depossess the girl before she died.

GOD DAMNED EARTH!!! It's a good thing she was thinking of her fish first.

"Thanks, The Cheesemonkey Master" Hexia said as she did a ultramega superbeing prayer to the Cheesemonkey Master, who had a look on his face in moments such as these like, if he was human, he was either

A) getting his dick sucked

or

B) doing xtasy

SSS

The next day, Norbie traversed his lawn and went to God.Com. He knocked on God's office door, which was covered with pictures of naked women spread-eagle and pop-punk band stickers.

"Coming," God screamed, over thumping deathmetal.

The door opened to reveal a tattooed, aging superbeing ultramega...burnout.

"Hey Norbie!" God greeting him enthusiastically. "What's up dude?"

He tried to give Norbie a pound, but The Cheesemonkey Master failed miserably. He always did suck at pounds.

"Not much God," he answered. "May I come in?"

"Sure," said God.

The door opened to reveal a room that much resembled a boy's college dormitory–with posters of naked girls plastered to the walls and empty beer cans covering almost every horizontal surface.

Norbie stepped inside.

"Oww!!"

Norbie looked down at his superbeing ultramega foot, which had stepped on a naked blonde girl who had been passed out on the floor (probably drunkenly).

"Sorry!" he said.

The girl's eyes just shut again as she passed back out, snoring just to reconfirm.

God burst into laughter.

"Good one Norbie," he practically shouted, with a hard pat on the back, "stepping on Vivica–or was it Veronica?"

He scratched his head and shrugged his shoulders.

"So God," Norbert said, glancing disapprovingly at the room, "How are things in Dimension 3, specifically planet earth?"

"AWESOME!!!" God exclaimed. "There's madd parties all over the place, girls getting naked, hard drugs...YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"What?" Norbert said, in shock. "Maybe I didn't hear you correctly. What did you say?"

"Norbie, you're not with it!" God scoffed. "It's all about the hookers and crack! You pick up a fine piece of pussy on the sly and you know what I be talkin bout'...umm-hmm."

Norbie went with God's ghetto theme.

"God!" he said. "What's wrong wit' 'chu?" "Encouraging the depravity of the earth peops to get yo jollies off!! Hexia and her fish was right!"

The last statement seemed to really have fired God up.

"Oh no no no" he said. "Hexia? That bitch? What has she been saying about me–other than the fact that I'm good in bed."

God slapped himself five as Norbie's eyes bugged out of his head.

"God! What are you talking about! For your information, Hexia and her fish visited earth a few weeks ago, and the Valarians were so upset that they want to go as missionaries to help your PEOPLE that you DEPRAVED&DEPRIVED!!"

"Oh okay!" said God sarcastically. "That bitch is finally getting back at me for not calling her! Well god damn I mean I was pretty freaking drunk when it happened!!"

"GOD! Listen to me!" Norbert was screaming now. "I don't know what you're talking about, but the truth is this! Your people are suffering! And instead of helping them, you only make things worse! And I'm going to have to do something about it!"

"Ooooo!!!" God mocked. "What's big, bad Norbie gonna do to God, huh?"

"I can fire your ass!" Norbie said in an I-mean-business-tone.

This made God's eyes and face harden in seriousness, and his tone deepen.

"You know what, fine" God said. "You can say all you want about the people of Earth. Call them fucked up–drug addicts and whores–say I did it. But you know what Norbie, the truth is–and this is something that you can't even deny–the truth is that, as fucked up as earth people may be, they love harder than any other species in all 900,000,000 dimensions."

Norbie looked him in the eye.

"Well," he said, "that may be true. But what's also true is that I'd rather have them love a little less than suffer as horribly as they do, with no help from you."

Silence.

"God, You're fired"

Norbie pointed in the direction of out the door.

God holds his head up and calmly walks out of the room, but not before saying "God damn2 bitch, I knew I should have called her."

SSS

In dimension 489,000,393 (aka Hexia),the mood in Valair was very pleasant. Hexia was walking the oceanic streets of the kingdom of Saleta, talking to the fish that she passed. Many of them had been asking questions about earth.

"Hexia," said Vini. "We are very excited about our missions to earth. When are they to begin?"

"We will first depart a few weeks," said Hexia. "I am excited about it too, Vini. You fish are so amazing. I know that you can teach the earth people much."

"Thank you Hexia," said Vini, "Oh and congratulations on being named Co-God of Dimension 3. I am sure that the other Co-God will be pleased. You will do a wonderful job."

"Thank you very much Vini," she said with a respectful bow.

Vini's expression became empathetically sad.

"Hexia," she said. "I am worried about God. I hope that Norbert wasn't too hard on him."

"Oh Vini," said Hexia, patting the fish's fin comfortably, "Don't you worry about God. He's finally in the position he deserves."

She then had a pleasant vision of what Norbie had told her this morning. His team of investigators had found secret drugs that God had created on earth, which was not only against the stipulations of the God.Com employee handbook, but was also against The Cheesemonkey Universe superultramegabeings. And, unlike the fish of Valair, they had laws and sanctions.

As punishment, God was being fucked. This may sound like an oxymoron, but I can assure you it's not. By a five-hundred pound woman, three times a day, anally, without lube.

And since he was seeing her so frequently, the fact that he was incapable of using the phone was no biggie.

-8/25/05-